Minutes before I leave for work, I'm having a day. Just finished writing my mantra, "stand up, courage, compassion, observe, be with chores, honor self". I have been in a horrible funk for the past few days and one of those days was my worst. Last night I found the paper he left me with at our last play, I laughed and smiled reading, "The Heart of Worship Giver yourselves to God (he wrote 'cock' after God) Surrender your whole being to him..." made me laugh and realized this is the first time I have seen his handwriting. Ugh why am I missing him.
He's on a quick trip and this is where I come back to self and think I did it again. I got caught up in my distractions, my play person. Major stuff going on in my life, I'm losing myself and my balance again. I'm sensing this is a good time to just be and for a few days be with my chores, create a template for chores and lose myself in that loop. That's a good place to be with, a template of doing. I don't need to shut down or shut others out, instead just be with self purging and cleaning. Wow. The above mindless chatter forced to fill up something. More importantly I haven't masturbated in days. I feel like it drains me or this is a form of punishment, rejection or maybe I'm abandoning myself. So today mindless work, return home for some chores getting back into a mindful mindless cleaning routine and maybe later read something sexy or write up some of past highlights. noise. nonetheless thanks for being here~
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |