I read divination cards and stones because I often can't see the forest for the trees. This activity helps me step back from myself and therefore methodically pull situations apart for self analysis. If I can't improve upon myself why am I here? Today's card was about flexibility. Only it was in protection position meaning I was holding onto a rigid belief. I needed to meet someone or a situation half way; I was not being flexible. I quickly ran through possible people or situations that I needed to meet half way.
I know exactly who and what this is about. Someone I was metaphorically in a room with while I was naked and blindfolded being spun. He wasn't spinning anything, I was. The realization I was just his mentee and this would become nothing more of course had me experiencing sadness for feeling rejected. But I was more upset about the confusion I had from my emotions about playing. Knowing I'm the only mentee he's played with and not his sub, made me feel I was less than and I was not being honored. If I'm not honored then I'm not being respected. I have another potential or mentor with whom I just recently shared a picture of my face; I met him before mentor. He and I have never played. He's never once hinted at playing and still wants me to consider him to become my Dom as he thinks of me as his potential sub. I feel there is an unspoken level of mutual respect. He and others have said to not play first because it could likely never progress beyond that. We reach out to the other every few days or sometimes it's daily. He asks questions about my day or we discuss current events. He's even offered advice about trial dom when I had questions. Trial dom and I did play a little prior to deciding I would like a trial with him, but not to the extent the mentor and I played. After deciding the trial period, I was given tasks that were fun and unlike how we played. My decision to end the trial was because I realized I wanted more time than the random moments in a 40 hours work week. Also I felt the level of detail in my completed tasks went unnoticed and underappreciated. Even though he and I played a little prior to trial I don't feel that made a negative impact on the trial process. However, long before trial dom, I had already concluded how much I would share and play with the mentor. Being naive I also felt eventually he may become my Dom; perplexing yet because I was attracted to the play. Because he didn't have me as his sub I felt only subs and mentees, that aren't played with, get the respect. Not a mentee that plays with her mentor. So I began to fill myself with doubts and feelings of insignificance. Here is where I realized I had rigid beliefs and it was I that needed to meet myself in the middle. I already had my boundaries in place. I already knew how far I would take our play. I'm not doing anything I don't want to do. This isn't one sided. He's not taking advantage of me as I haven't exposed more than I wanted. I feel now I'm trying to convince myself. I for a few hours struggled to complete this writing. I was filled with thoughts of others seeing this as someone taking advantage of me. If someone else is seeing this then I should also see the same. Tonight, I just made a female friend on the site who also writes; she wrote a piece about feminism and submission. She helped me articulate what I had been feeling all along. I have all the control; myself and of my thoughts. He can suggest how to play but it's still I that decides whether or not I will play and how much I will play. My rigid belief was I somehow felt because I wasn't his actual sub I shouldn't be respected because we played. On the same token then I shouldn't have respect for a mentor that plays with their mentee. This is not the case at all. I respect him. I appreciate all his time he has given to me, questions he's answered, his advice, I enjoy our similar sense of humor and our play. My internal struggle was my psyche at work: id, super-ego, and ego. Id had the desire to play; libido was being fed and cared for. Yet, super-ego came in and said no, no, no this is all wrong you're not being honored, nor respected, there's an imbalance here. When I write or have an urge to write it's because ego wants to process internal conflict. Ego has made me realize I can please id while tone down super-ego. There isn't an imbalance. He and I had a prior discussion making sure both of us was comfortable with how things were. There was a mutual give and take. I'm not giving myself to him and receive nothing; I am being refilled. Wow. Been awhile since my own writing has made me want to cum. My brain is deliciously humming for working this process out, and for writing it out. I am giving and receiving and being filled. Now excuse me while I go fill myself. Until the flip- stay flexible give AND receive
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |