Naked and blindfolded in a room full of men twisting and turning her. Spinning not knowing where to go or where safety is and maybe there aren't many men maybe there's just one. Drowning myself in a looped performance of "Comedown" by Bush. Love and hate, get it wrong She cut me right back down to size Sleep the day, let it fade Who was there to take your place No one knows, never will Mostly me, but mostly you What do you say, do you do When it all comes down 'Cause I don't wanna come back Down from this cloud It's taken me all this time to find out what I need yeah I understand these songs I listen to have their original meaning but I use them to interpret my feelings about current events in my life. Helps me capture my mood, and the lyrics often times provide insight through self introspection. The song is likely about drugs, a high, or addiction; see perfect for this spot on my timeline. Back to me spinning naked. I've been on this messy and beautiful journey finding myself and past few months a dom, a Dom. That section never really stopped growing and developing even though I decided to not display this. I was in need of being alone with the process. I didn't need others' eyes on my business quite yet. The image of me naked blindfolded in a room was a conversation I had with him, Dom A. He had at one point been a potential Dom. Don't skip over the subtle nuances I have presented before you either, you blink you'll miss the level of detail. That in of itself is it's own story. I sigh fresh with emotion as I write. Fighting tears. The loop. 'Cause I don't wanna come back Down from this cloud It's taken me all this time to find out what I need yeah You see as of this moment I don't know where this is will be. Do I start this at the beginning, leave it here in the middle or unbeknownst to me is this the end? The spinning naked woman. I hopped out of the conversation after I typed this out to him and started my day with my routine of planks, stretching and meditating. I couldn't finish meditating when I saw his reply, "Maybe our dance isn't what you need." Hurts, he's right. I go to type out later: Oy. I knew I'd come to miss you after quarantine but not during it. I feel like I'm in a bad remake of Mulholland Drive but still left with the same beautiful painful scene of her singing Llorando.
Earlier I had asked why he wasn't enthusiastic about me being his sub awhile back when briefly it was established he was to be my Dom. He said he knew my needs were beyond him and time zones didn't help. He wanted to be a mentor or a teacher instead. However this wasn't communicated to me during that time instead, I was left feeling like I couldn't find my footing. I knew something was a miss. He did however, somewhat remain as a mentor. Only lines were blurred. Intensely blurred. I don't feel there was malicious intent but if this were to be a teacher/student relationship, on paper it doesn't look too favorably. I can't help now but feel slightly taken advantage of. Incredibly sad, how I grew close to someone. I look back at his advice and I some how missed it could've included him; inadvertently included himself. It was only today I made the connection when he gave me great advice that I go after men that are quite indifferent to me. Albeit either do to the quarantine or what, he was there, ready with advice, humor, weird coincidences or shared fantasies. I somewhat feel he may have had my best interest at heart. But still this hurts. Someone with whom I shared many intimate details of my life with, about as much as my best friend knows only shared with him in a shorter amount of time. Also where lines were crossed- I shared other details among those were fantasies and such. Being new, I'm bound to make mistakes. I'm gaining experience, learning more about myself and know to set boundaries. Seems to be my reoccurring theme this year, "boundaries". I just feel overwhelmed with a 20 year crush ending recently, my trial dom likely ending because I now recognize what I want and deserve, and now someone I looked up to was hopefully unintentionally crossing lines. I'm right now having a hard time pulling back from this objectively and gaining different perspective outside of myself. Looping "Llorando" is not helping but I have a love for details, so I want fill all the senses with sadness. Lets just rip the guts out and get it all over with so we can start fresh with a clean slate and try not to be jaded, scarred or marred by any of this. If my desire for growth wasn't so strong I more than likely would've thrown in the towel and decided this lifestyle wasn't for me; suck it up and take the life I have and just say my sexless marriage is still a marriage and let it be that way until I die. Either it's growth or it's the 53% masochist in me that keeps me going even when I feel I want to disappear inside myself curled up in a ball of sadness. So naked, blindfolded, spinning in a room full of men trying to find where safety is; no. I take responsibility for being so naive, for being so trusting and so open to a new experience. Maybe I should withdraw and chuck this whole thing as a great big experience; I dabbled. I joined a place thinking I'd protect my heart; I wanted an open experience, defined by parameters where I could be free to be myself and explore myself. Yet my heart hurts just as much for putting myself out there. I left my naked blindfolded self in an empty room and terrified myself. until the flip~ Luego de tu adiós sentí todo mi dolor.
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7/28/2022 11:06:49 am
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |