I've been meditating a lot; twice a day usually. Helps so much with my anxiety and keeps me off of pharmaceuticals. I'm finally feeling mentally well even amidst the pandemic. Not fear. There is no way I will go back to being dead inside, left to sleep walk through life. I feel good even on bad days. And on my really good days, I vibrate. So much so others notice. I receive comments as: I look happy, I appear vibrant even had someone say they felt I was surrounded by yellow and orange light.
On my days I'm really vibrating my sacral chakra is hot and pulsating; my sexual energy is palpable. My nipples remain hard all day. I'm wet and throbbing. My thighs tremble and when I sit, my legs won't be still. I can feel chemicals swirling in my brain. When I'm in public like this it can be draining because I'm constantly having to pull my energy back to my center making sure I am not molesting others with my vibration. Often times my solar plexus is charged up too; which governs self-esteem and personal power; I feel like an aggressor at this energetic level. In order to reign this in and dispel some energy, I masturbate before I leave the house. It helps relieve the pressure while turning the volume down to not assault others. Having been without sex for years, and often needing to relieve pressure there are weeks I'm nearly spending every day releasing orgasms. With having so many, I have come to realize if I'm not at the top of the wave, the orgasm will come out from underneath me and leave me feeling robbed. My mind detaches and doesn't experience what my body experiences; a disconnect. I've been playing around with breath lately while I orgasm. Normal for myself to hold my breath because I am busy in my head concentrating on fantasies right before I cum. My thoughts generally would be about recent play fantasies such as; mother and college son, wolf fantasies (you will want to read "becomes the Prey") and fantasies about finally hooking up with my 20 year crush. I protect my dopamine receptors from being fried by too much porn and since it's been 8 years since I've had sex with anyone, in my head is where I am often. It was just only a year ago when I finally shared an orgasm experience with another person. I was unable to sleep last night. My sacral and solar plexus chakra vibrations were heightened and filled with heat; there was no way I could sleep. I turned off my electronics. I did for a moment want to find a good song to have join me, but felt this time I would like to just be and not have my ears miss my soft breathing noises. I adjusted a pillow behind my head and pulled some covers off of me as my abdomen and thighs were already very warm. I was feeling flushed. Wanting to pull fantasies and visualize them in my real space, I will often leave my eyes open. Like my sense of hearing limited, I wanted to keep external visual noise also out of this experience and keep them closed this time. Eyes now closed with only the white noise of my air purifier, I slide my hands underneath my light blue t shirt, lifting to expose my hard budded nipples. Caressing my tits, I'm feeling the softness and smoothness of my skin around the breast in contrast to my hard nipples. I can feel my pussy vibrate. With my right hand I glide down slowly feeling for every beautiful imperfection, a scar, a bump, or a mole. Past my navel, I eagerly reach the waist band of my panties. I can't be distracted with my cunt tonight, the folds and wetness will have to wait for next time. I want to focus on breathing and less on touch. Therefore, I decide to situate my fingers outside of my panties. My panties are completely drenched with a wet concave spot where my aching pussy is underneath desiring something else other than my hand. I notice my breathing has become shallow and rapid. To bring mind back to breath, I inhale deeply. I follow breath into my expanding chest. My nipples get hard again. I draw my breath down center, to my stomach further down to my right hand. As I'm moving my fingers in slow steady circles, I imagine my breath circling my clit, filling my wet folds and entering me. With eyes closed, I notice the feeling inside building; a small fire burning. I need a release. My mind goes to the day's contents searching for material to keep pushing me closer over the edge. Conversations are popping up and an image follows. I'm on a bed in some room. My heart is racing. I feel pressure on my limbs, I'm tied. Splayed. Eyes remain closed because I'm blindfolded. I hear a newly familiar voice, affording me only a simple, "Hello". These ropes snugly binding my limbs are providing comfort as it is the only thing I know to be proving what they are; providing me security. They're reliable. No fear. My pounding heart is slowing. Back in my room, my hand is circling faster I'm already close to cumming from the fantasy. I'm getting wetter and can feel my orgasm building inside me. I want badly to be in my fantasy; to feel the fervor live as if he actually came to me. My muscles are clenching; my throbbing pussy is trying to pull at something that isn't there. Back in my head; he knows what I'm really afraid of. I hear footsteps. I feel the safety of the tight ropes being unfastened. My breath hitched. The blindfold is removed. He's standing at my feet, saying very little but so much is spoken through visual hunger; his pupils are wide, he wets his lips and I can see his cock growing. My body is now hot drowning in lust. Back in my room, my frantic fingers are circling and pressing a bit harder through my panties onto my clit. My thighs shake as I'm getting close to cumming. Wanting to be fully present, I inhale through my nose and pull breath down to my vulva. Exhale slowly with open mouth. I can feel a slow rolling from within my stomach and my muscles are tightening. Like the subtle crescendo building in Beethoven's Piano No. 14 Moonlight Sonata, keeping a steady, slow and gentle movement, gradually climbing; I feel my orgasm begin to trickle outwardly. Staying fully present, I gently focus and inhale deeply and exhale slowly. Soft mews leave my mouth, while I am cumming. The wave intensifies as it's being pulled out with my deep inhalations and exhalations. My stomach muscles shake as the orgasm is moving away being guided with breath. My vaginal muscles quiver. I inhale deeply, down to my shaking thighs and with more slow breaths I release my right hand. Both arms now above my head I can't help but smile. In Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, as the crescendo grows, it intensifies maintaining a slow steady build. The same rhythmic pace is carried even after the climax as the song begins to descend. There isn't a defining disconnect between the beginning and ending. I noticed there wasn't a sharp climb to intensity with an abrupt ending of the orgasm by doing the deep breathing. I was able to stay present and connected in the moment; from the initial warming up, through the building, during the climax and on the decline. Continuity and fluidity between beginning and end. From so much emotion after an intense orgasm I will sometimes cry. However tonight I discovered a lot of my crying happens because I feel sadness for the thought I may not have this with another person. Tonight I didn't cry. There wasn't anything but joy. For once I wasn't stuck in my head with my past or in the future. I stayed fully present. Regardless with anyone or not, it was my mindful experience. I feel my entire sexual existence has been nothing more than mindless orgasms. I needn't have fear that I won't have the chance to experience something so intense with another. I still had an intense experience. I learned to breathe and let go. Coincidental the song in my head was Moonlight Sonata and last night was a full moon? Until the flip~ go ahead bark at the moon
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |