I have never experienced impact play other than vanilla boyfriends 'spankings'. Luckily, my Meta has introduced me to impact play. And not once did our impact play trigger self harm. The impact play either threw me quickly into subspace and brought me back to body just as quickly or if I'm already emotionally high it brings me back. But there is always a sexual component for me here in the play initiated by him.
However, today I was triggered; so many emotional things happening at once and I felt like my emotions were going to cause me to snap. Suddenly I had thoughts about my past self harming coping behavior that I hadn't done in almost 30 years. But even then instead of wanting to self harm I craved intensely impact play; starving for it, my body hungry to hurt. I felt if I had impact play it would've given me permission to set free the emotional pain I had been feeling through the physical pain someone else was 'gifting' to me. Guilt free for me if someone else is doing it to me. Freedom. Like with a manual transmission and under shifting: I felt my emotions compiling, and my brain unable to process quickly enough instead it accidentally under shifted causing me to redline...rev up! I felt a few good whippings would have been very much like punching the clutch in allowing my emotions to disengage long enough the brain could come back online with logical thoughts and take back control. I'd love to experiment with this theory! But also recognize I would need to be careful and not use this as a coping method for dealing with intense emotions; a few times would be okay. Sadly, no sadistic spankings...instead I tried for a runner's high. A girl can dream.
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |