It's been a couple of weeks since an actual DV encounter. The sexual fantasies aftermath left a blurred line between real life and friction fiction not remembering when it had stopped. I had to jog through my writing and some direct messages to get an actual point. I really don't even know the actual day we last spoke. I have no desire to explore possible insecurities of why we haven't talked; my 15 year old self loathing goth days are long behind me. I'm not troubled or have feelings- good, bad, or indifference that he has disappeared and the memory of his voice is gone also. I've been playing, not gone dark or hidden from anyone. I care enough that he is okay and not hurt or laid up in a hospital. What I do feel is that it's not about him. Maybe never was. And yet I want more.
Audible memory has faded. His, what I would have described his voice as being sexy and seductive, has dissipated and left my memory. His words made my legs tremble with excitement. His voice made me wet. The thought of this leaves a pit in my stomach. Delicious Voice. His very nickname. How the fuck could I forget something that had excited me so? So cruel. Like the fairy tales, was it not his 'kiss' that woke up sleeping beauty? His voice should've been burned into my brain to recall at anytime I need a release. Had I been without for so long any gentle breeze pressing up against me would have started me up? Been without sustenance, Vitamin D, for too long it was just a matter time I'd explode? This pit in my stomach grows. My need for this to be wrong is great. Why is it so important? I'm feeling a desperation; frog in my throat choking from desperation. All of this excitement must be because of him. His voice, the image of his hard cock (or maybe stolen image) I did see a partial pic of him-appears easy on the eyes, his double talk, was it not this compilation all together, the entire package (pun intended?) that frenzied me into multiple states of arousal multiple times? I so wanted it to be because of him. Dissecting this thought, the pit in my stomach rolls into a cold flush that spreads through out my body. It's me. Which means I didn't lose this, I at some point decided to lock her up and until recently freed her. I had her wasting away. Drying up. Briefly glimpsed of how I used to feel. How I was. Maybe he was just a catalyst. Is it wrong for me to use another and want to continue to use another? DV was a spark, because how can people connect with just a voice, barely knowing each other? He just gave off the right amount of heat my gas filled oven that had may be been seeping for years finally exploded. If you haven't read about the oven shaking, here...it's that good. The brief encounter, the momentary exchange revealed my passion. I had a release-and since, fantasies have cooled down immensely, trying the book 50 Shades to excite me now. The encounter was enough to release the pent up energy, the way a small earthquake releases tectonic plate pressure. Panties, (although maybe this word still excites me even though the memory of his voice is gone) pulled back up, skirt straightened and breath caught; I don't think I can be shaken again so easily-unless the 100+ million are wrong about 50 Shades and I just need to attack that. When I have a panic attack, I sometimes use a fingering technique; not as exciting as you are thinking. I use my hand, palm side facing down and I slowly trace from the wrist up the side of the thumb around and down to the other side. Then slowly up the first finger, around and down the other side. All the while counting, each side is counted all the way up to 10 ending right side of pinky to the wrist. Up the side of the thumb is one, down the other side of the thumb is two. Up the first finger is three, etc. See not as exciting. It returns me to the present moment from the feeling of fear, an excited state. When talking with DV I was easily aroused, maybe too easily-it was too much. Arousal is a feeling, an excited state. Maybe next time I should use the fingering; fingers to fucking calm or fingers to fuck n cum and not give two squirts about anything- or is it give two squirts? ;) Where am I going with this? It's just this morning I didn't wake up with a song in my head or a thought of anything arousing. Did I return to hiding my passion only making appearances because of certain people? Or I allowed her to make an appearance? I wanted the former to be true otherwise I'm doing this to myself locking her up and allowing when she may come out. If it was the magic of some other person then I could just easily seek these magical people to let me out every now and then (bi-monthly would be nice a scheduled cum sesh and then returned to normal life). But it's me. A cum sesh. Could it be that simple? Just have someone, use someone? That has to be wrong but why does this excite me? They'd also be getting pleasure out of this, so it's not one sided play. It would also make for a great read, fuck 50 Shades. Maybe I should add some rules...
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |