Oy. My mouth. My mind. Funny now, I have had for a few years developed anxiety tics. Worse they have become since I've been off of medication. I'm feeling alive not on medication but it's tic season. My anxiety tics are head shoulder shrugs. Then came a mouth fart or queef. Followed those just recently are sexual exhales. Which currently because I'm speaking of them are fervently present! Joy.
My beautiful twisted mind, making gestures and mouth noises the more twisted my mind gets. Amazing. Plenty has transpired lately to cause such a vocal frenzy. I said goodbye to dom A. My first. He was gentle and kind, inspirational and encouraging. Exactly who I needed at the moment. Then my old flame, Skippy back in my life. He said he isn't going to run this time. I've been writing and exposing more of myself and my mind. Counseling for my family as we shift into something other than what 16 years ago we had planned. No wonder my mind feels stressed and stretched. Emotions constantly in check but some escape me to climb. Shoulders jerk, quick moans and mouth farts...embarrassing but it's an autonomous nervous system release. Physical activity has helped but I only go to the gym 3 days a week and play drums daily for only 30 minutes. Oy. My emotions now. Deep breath. Checking in. Where is it? Eyes closed. My stomach. Another inhalation. Anywhere else? No. Just my stomach. Dead heavy murdered butterflies. I knew it. Bad sense of humor. My humor flood lighting the area to ward off dark thoughts. Relax eyebrows. Bring tongue from roof of mouth down touch bottom teeth. Check in again. Still in stomach. Now I want to cry. Okay so cry. What are we crying for. Sadness. I am sad. Deep breath. Exhale. I have sadness. Deep breath in. Exhale. I am experiencing sadness. Okay much better. I'm out of that. And back to my mouth and the disconnect with my brain that I experience sometimes. Do I need to be more present with my thoughts before I send them out? Or is part of my essence is to just go. Unrestrained. Oy. Tics starting. Thoughts in my head. Wondering. My mind. My beautiful twisted mind. Why I allow some so readily inside? My already twisted mind, please come in. Is it the ones that appear to want to unravel and untangle only to get me more contorted? I can see them a mile away coming, they want to partake. Dip your toe in the intense detailed emotion filled pool; I can see the outcome each time yet I hope for a different ending. Someone inevitably drowns. And it's usually me. Plenty of deaths before, not my first drowning. Difference this time is I can pull out. Stand back and watch the beautiful intense events unfold. Lie back and reminisce over the beguiling meeting. The intermediary intense exchanges that took place prior to me pulling the pin. An unnecessary pin to say the least. I don't have to stay in this intense emotion. What was to be uncovered without chaos having my layers exposed started to take place only I started to create the chaos. Yes, I will wonder how with so much ease I allow someone to enter. It hurts, that I do this and yet I do not know my own formula to make such a decision. Ascension, what goes up, must it always come down? Do I pull the pin to make it come down faster? Why must I feel someone else has the answer to unravel my own mind. Next itch I get to pull a pin, I will stop and reflect. Take a deep breath. Relax my eyebrows. Pull my tongue down from the roof of my mouth. Stay in this space whatever it is, whatever emotion. Happiness, sadness, fear, trust, anticipation, sexual attraction, amused, captivated, disappointed whatever the emotion ride it. The wave will pass. Then decide a next move. "Being vulnerable has a cost." This I know this to be true, the cost can be painful. It is painful, it hurts. I won't stop being open for fear of pain. It's part of the experience. I can ride that wave and wait for it to pass. With that my tics have stopped. My heart is lighter, and my smile brighter today was a gift I may not see it now but I am marked by an experience. A scar or a beauty mark? With grace, I will always make the conscious decision it will be the latter.
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |