I had a rough time yesterday with my child’s father; having to get someone to realize he is manipulating himself is difficult. I hope he can stay with this thought and be more aware. I’ve also for days been wanting to play, but that hasn’t happened. I’ve been struggling with my place, it seems, in more than one relationship. I readily admit I use and crave and want sex when I’m stressed. With current events in politics I’ve been stressed. Fuck yes, I would like to fuck that away for a few hours, especially since it’s been years since I’ve fucked. Jesus it was before the previous administration’s second term the last time I had sex! My deceased brother’s birthday was over the weekend. Ah, yes please I would like a load of cum shot down my throat in honor of my gay brother who would’ve been proud of me for the way I worship cock! My recent blow up with my child’s father, yes I would like to trade a blow up for a blow job as it is much nicer to have dick in the mouth than to be mouthed by a dick! And my kidney stone surgery that is coming up; I’d prefer to be cumming stoned instead! But none of that. Instead wake up in the morning with Fleetwood Mac’s song “Go Your Own Way” in my head. Pulled chakra stones and I saw how my power was gone along with my heart. And the 3 cards I pulled all in a protection position meaning dishonest to self and/or being misled by others, others withholding acting on hidden agendas, ask for the truth even if it’s not what I want to hear and try to be calm. I’ve had thoughts since Saturday percolating. My stomach hurts so bad I have to get out of the house. I thought it was a bad salad but I knew it was my power, as my solar plexus and heart both felt painfully blocked. Beastie Boys “Paul Revere” on loop...I can spit it from the top of my lungs and it makes me happy; maybe someone will get to laugh with me while I rap to it! Hopped in my jeep and drove to the chapel. He did message me, I told him where I was going and why. I desperately needed to cry loudly. Seems fitting there at the chapel. I can whisper to my old ghost to tell her things about things that she’s thinking. I pull up and fitting, the lights are off...is anyone even home? Does someone even hear me when I pray? I sit inside. A deep breath and I immediately think about my brother and start crying about how much I miss him. I regret that I didn’t call him. I cry for having only the back of a pew to lean on while I sob as no one is around. Alone, I feel always. I cry out for help, for a message. I don’t even know what to ask for, just that I feel lost and don’t know much of anything anymore. He messages me asking what’s wrong. I tell him about my child’s father. And I made a statement about us but I think he missed it. He was focused on sending me a podcast link. I listened and cried; it was about fires and serotinous cones that only open and drop seeds when there is a fire. I cried harder as I can see in the midst of this uncomfortable uncertainty, my fire, maybe seeds are being dropped and planted. I’m okay to just be in this uncomfortable feeling. My ‘world’ and my being won’t end here; I don’t need to, this very second, figure ‘this’ out. I am okay to feel this discomfort while I sort my feelings out. Sobbing in the darkness of the chapel with car lights casting dancing shadows across the walls, I smile warmly as I see my ghost doing things without shame; I’m envious of the excitement and the newness of what she gets to experience. I look towards the door and start to visualize my future ghost, maybe she’s standing in the doorway watching me sob trying to let me know to just be, those seeds dropped, growth has already started; I've been heard.
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |