Today is technology free Tuesday, aside from writing for my blog that’s it. I messaged him yesterday, I was super stressed and wanted to get out of my head and give him head. Sunday night I misunderstood and thought we would have a session; I became so worked up, I crashed hard with disappointment. What the actual fuck? Disappointed to not have sucked dick? Yes, as a good worshipper of course I felt disappointed! As I observe a lot lately, I have an increasing desire for physical intimacy mixed with sexual creativity through an emotional connection; a deep kink is what I am craving. Upset a little, that I am hard up for a, could I say shallow connection, but, I feel sometimes we connect physically deeply. So would this be a low vibrational connection? Again, I sometimes feel we ‘vibe’ hard, high and intensely.
Then what is this? It is surface stuff. Barely scratching the surface, feels safe to me. I don’t want safe surface scratching, I want dangerous deep diving! Say what I see until I see what I say. I am feeling very much a side piece, not even friends with benefits or maybe it is, just not in the friends sense but rather friendly with benefits. Sometimes I daydream of being his friend and wonder what that is like; likely dreaming about fucking him, wait, I do that anyway! I have even wondered what he was like “in love”. I bet he was full of fire, intense, hot and angry- not in a negative sense. So we are below a fwb and we are friendly with benefits, cockworship benefits in that regard. I’m scared, a part of me is growing tired of this safe surface shit and I may start shutting down. What is the difference between shutting down and just matching energy? No, I would end things before I shut down because that would just be wasting each other’s time. I wouldn’t be able to cock worship him if I was shutting down. Maybe because I am seeing I am able to unattach, or remain unattached from another sexually, this is upsetting the core of who I thought I was, especially with him. He enjoyed my worship last session as did I. And it was the only session I purposely sat in my jeep and watched him leave. I sat with my feelings of watching him ‘leave me’ and what if he never returned. I was “ok”. He just messaged me via the toy app. His ability to contact me via the topy app on Tuesdays, I had referred to as a loophole, he called it an essential cockworship side channel. Side channel spurred thoughts about me feeling like he’s my side piece. My heart felt a little sting because “essential” is not a priority feeling I have so readily any longer. I keep the toy app open but close everything else. Examine. Why? Maybe I want to only connect through sex with him? It’s the only app that is just ‘us’, with no other friends, co workers, nor past or current potentials meaning the dating apps. However, I still use my phone either text messages or phone calls with people that actually have my phone number. A punishment because he doesn’t have my phone number, he’s never asked for it so who is being punished? I look forward to him having to ‘chase’ me down. I look forward to having a break from him. Yes, maybe all of these and all at once even. We had a conversation about why I like submission, he says it’s part of the DNA. Agree, but when he pushes me down forcefully onto my stomach and he’s over me on top of me, I really zone out; I reach subspace very quickly. This feeling of submitting isn’t just an overpowering feeling because of his strength and I’m at his mercy, it’s because I feel the primal nature underneath the surface. I’m weak with resistance, setting myself aside in merciful anticipation waiting to see how much smashing through shallow surface tension there will be, mine and his. Surface tension in science, causing particles to stick together so objects float, not sinking or diving underneath. I see it as too much thought, rather than being with feeling. Surface tension as a way of protection? My craving of deep diving with another is to explore the dangerous areas of feelings, emotional intimacy and kink. This is not available to side pieces, lacking emotional connections. I’m moving towards letting go that he is my deep dive. I can be happy and enjoy the safe shallow surface play still; I enjoyed our last session. No judgement about shallow, it’s still a lovely location. No judgement either with how badly I crashed from disappointment not being able to worship him Sunday night. Even though I am very open to deep diving with another, I can remain aware this deep diving is essentially about myself. I am still learning a lot about myself now, later another may cum. My submission is my body and mind My surrendering unto you means you have my heart too Until the flip...
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |