Went to the gym at 4am, been awake since 1 am. This is the time I normally come home after play and this morning I'm awake and in need of physical exertion. Prior to deciding to get dressed, I spent an hour in a masturbating emotional purge session. A very long climb as I had only slight arousal, no porn nothing visual but I looped Korn's The Darkness Is Revealing, at 2:53 a great part I wanted the end of my orgasm wave to hit and roll into- his slow screaming then at 3:21 he starts yelling "GET THE FUCK OUT GET THE FUCK OUT GET THE FUCK OUT GET THE FUCK OUT GET THE FUCK OUT GET THE FUCK OUT" here is where my aftershocks from my orgasm pulsate rapidly perfectly in sync- a terrific song to purge to. Without saying too much, yesterday was difficult. Already stressed with the election, recently my head and heart at odds with my intuitive voice. My intuitive voice had won and even more recent my heart I felt was now siding with my intuitive voice. However yesterday late afternoon, someone shared with me some of their thoughts and ideas. A complete gut punch to my solar plexus, powerless and feeling a high probability I will be abandoned. I tried to respond with some thoughts of my own in response but could not; only left a few words about me withdrawing for a few days. I immediately shut down. My intuitive voice shrank away, my head I feared had been wanting to yell, "I told you so", thankfully only whispered some unintelligible words. My heart is the only one left standing, not knowing what to do, where to go or which of me to listen to. "Everything I had to hide is all on my sleeve. And behind the curtain lies my soul, I'm bleeding." All I could and can do now is withdraw. Take cover. Protect and coax my intuitive voice back out. I feel tonight I might be going to the gym again maybe twice a day every other day will help with my need to be used physically. Turn off all electronics, well except to write as this helps me greatly. But I don't even want the election results to determine anything that goes on in my life; I need to be the one that gets to decide how I want something to play out, continue, or discontinue. Inside me; not outside of me where I have no control. I have control over me, my thoughts, my decisions and my reaction. I need this, I need to have this ability to decide what "I" want. Feel me, heal me All that's in me Give it all back I can't have this Feeling, failing All that's creating So I read myself this morning as I do every morning. No pics because I turned my phone off. In between bouts of sobbing I managed to pull chakra rocks and a card. I was also pulling cards to read about my dynamic but I don't want to do that today, today it's just me. Stones: my throat and root chakras are blocked- indecision not speaking up and low self esteem not feeling grounded My heart is showing open with a male. My card in protection position is "Time To Go"- ...small self has doubts but soul has the map of my destiny, Spirit loves me and to trust this. This isn't the end of the line as all is not lost, destiny is in charge here. So cocoon until I have the strength to deal with the world's current events and the strength to deal with my personal life. I'm hurting badly. But hopeful my higher self knows what's best for me, just waiting for her return. Heart is holding out and holding on she's desperately making sure 'this' doesn't change me..... And the sun goes down Taking my heart What is this I'm feeling? Is it a new beginning? Am I purging past regrets Facing the hurt I'm dealing? How does one start healing? The darkness is revealing The bittersweet reality That this is the help I'm needing
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7/28/2022 11:11:51 am
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |