In a couple more weeks I’ll be embarking on an adventure of fulfilling a dream of mine; paramotor flying before I’m 50. I have so many feelings and thoughts flying within me, propelling at faster rates the closer I get to me leaving. Ideas swirling and spinning, I am feeling a need to spin myself into a cocoon to protect myself from an energy shift much like a star before becoming a red giant star; an extinction burst. To draw strength, comfort and seek a calm within. Seek inside self.
For far too long I’ve been outside of me, thinking I was seeking and searching. I take nothing and force it to become something. I am the shaper. When I should allow people and relationships to unfold as they are meant to be even if it’s nothing; I take and try to create something. I mold, sculpt and force to paint people and dynamics into something. I romanticize and project. I take breadcrumbs and turn them into fancy feasts. I am a magician. Nothing into something never works, it's an illusion and a time stealer. Fear me, I’m an illusionist. I’m tired. I’m hurting. I’m feeling alone. I’m seeing my part now; how I’ve built a wall. A wall to protect myself yet, the very thing I am protecting I am trapping my hurt within the walls. Recently, I was writing highlights about a play session and was reminded, he often whispers to me while I’m trembling from excitement, “It’s just sex”. He coo’s and shhshs me, trying to calm my shaking, ”It’s just sex”. Yes ‘just’. Is it though? Then why haven’t I had it in almost ten years. Why aren’t I out fucking? Why aren’t we, he and I, having just sex? Why don’t I know more about outside of our dynamic of him and others having ‘just sex’? Something here is a big deal. I seek out those that don’t want sex and avoid intimacy. I project because I am afraid of sex and intimacy and remain emotionally unavailbe when I really want to be available. I put blame on others, that I can’t have what I want when it’s me, preventing me from what I want. I pick people who don’t want to see me. As I try to be bigger in their lives, getting others to notice me, to see me; I don’t even see myself. This wall, I made, is to not see me. To hide what? To hide I don’t even believe in myself. This is why I fear so much. How hurtful it is to myself to feel that I am unworthy and to admit this aloud? I decided this for myself. This awareness hurts me so much. I choose people that can’t see me, because then my perceived unworthiness will never have to be confirmed or denied. How can another decide to see I’m worthy if they can’t or refuse to see me? And if no one outside of me is deciding my worth, then I don’t have to face my own self doubts about my worth. Me flying. This is so important. This is significant to my soul and spirit. This is having to believe in myself at my very core, my life is literally in my hands. Somehow a small light within me does believe in me or I wouldn't have dropped 18k for this. I recognize somewhere how this feat is monumental. This will catapult my self healing, changing the very landscape I believed to be my destiny; alone with someone I feel unworthy. A transformation. Learning to fly. I have so many physical and psychological fears in my head. I am spinning. I can hear and feel a high pitched vibrational pull to go and be within; that something big is happening, my shift. Sit with these fears, these stories likely from others because of others, then walk with these fears, run with these fears, let go, then fly. Soon I will know that I have the capabilities to do this; to actually fly. It is of my own volition, I knew this adventure is a calling for my soul to grow, to transform. I will have stripped everything away, to be just with me and my core. I will finally see ‘me’. What comes after? What happens after an extinction burst? Death of old beliefs and thoughts, a new beginning, a new life filled with new possibilities because of new ideas; shaped to feel worthy to explore new experiences or see old ones in new light. I’m going after everything I told myself I couldn’t have. How becoming...
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |