Standing alone in the wind and rain Feeling the fear that is growing Sensing the change in the tide again Brought by the storm that is brewing Feel the anxiety hold off the fear Some of the doubt in the things you believe Now that your faith will be put to the test Nothing to do but await what is coming "Sign of The Cross" Iron Maiden I deactivated my fet account for the time being, I needed a break from the stimuli. And look at that! Above. I'm listening to music, posting current audio choices while writing as I had done when I started this site. This song is eleven minutes of slow build up starting with a chanting of sorts. Good song to use to reflect, to continue to process my thoughts, expose myself. Not like anyone reads these? I've been purposely void of emotion, hiding myself for years. Abandoning that part of me that laughs loudly; if you're lucky enough you can get from me a good laugh. Previous co-workers years ago called me Horshack from Welcome Back Carter with very good reason! Abandoning that part of me that loves to hug! Upright and vertical I love being the little spoon, the feeling of being protected from the mean world. Also love being the big spoon, giving someone the feeling I can protect them momentarily, I can be their place of peace and encouragement. Now horizontal...I love the cuddles that transition into sleep...spooning and snoozing...spoozing or snooning sounds better? Being nuzzled, a favorite of mine, a head burrowed into my hair at the nape of my neck, taking in my fragrance leaving the warmth of their breath on me. Also abandoning the love for gazing...staring deeply into someone's eyes trying to climb inside of them through the windows of their soul. Hand holding another favorite. A way to guide and provide. Give direction and a feeling of protection- even naughty touches can be given and received in public via hand holding and none would be the wiser. Kissing. Another part of me I had given up. All of my exes and one night stands have said I am a good kisser. I told my Dom I kiss like I'm giving a blow job preview! The mouth is so sensitive so much can be expressed with all different kinds of kisses! Rediscovering and awakening this side of me is overwhelming. A flood of emotions being stirred along with my senses coming alive again. With that, emotions and questions of why I would do this to myself, hurt myself by hiding myself conforming for others and giving up. The timing of this currently coinciding with my kidney stones is eye opening. Something deep; built up, repressed is coming out in need of being expelled. Forgive the above and anything else that may follow that doesn't make sense my pain pill kicked in. I don't know how I liked these things. I had a slight addiction to them in the past even as late as last year. Helped me make things tolerable. My addicted part had good intentions. I didn't doctor shop I was just very very happy when I got a prescription; my doctor at the time gave me a couple weeks worth every 3 months. Also just happened I have had a fair amount of surgeries. It helped me smile momentarily. Now just makes my head hurt, antsy wanting to heal and get back to living and cognitively not making sense sometimes. Not hiding anymore. Moving forward even if it is uncomfortable exposing and removing layers. My play partner- I am exactly where I need to be with whom I need in order to process, remove and grow. Having another Dom, the typical ones wouldn't work for what I need. The typical Doms would cater and conform to what I wanted in order for me to feel less discomfort. If you're not feeling pain from the heat of a fire you won't learn to not stand so close. (Oy! Now Police song Don't Stand So Close To Me is in my head momentarily) If another is helping me stand how do I learn to stand on my own. I could get lost in a Daddy Dom; I'd certainly enjoy and feel good momentarily, but I wouldn't learn or grow. A Daddy Dom maybe could see what I needed to learn and teach me. But I'm an active learner. I learn best by doing, drawing and coming to my own realizations. When I get the epiphany and navigate, that is when a lesson is ingrained. It has to be me that realizes there is a lesson here not someone else telling me I have something to learn. Also twofold as I'm learning and recognizing lessons, I'm learning to trust myself. I just need to ask for help when I recognize there is a lesson to be had. I do enjoy him and feel good with him. I think the problem here is I'm wanting to keep a division between play side and teacher side. The play side I enjoy the blindfolds and the 'distance' not in a rush trying to get to know each other, both of which I see help create longevity. However, a part of me sometimes needs instant gratification, recognition, adoration instead of patiently sitting waiting; the good student wanting praise from the teacher. The teacher should know the student a bit more in order to assist. He challenges me whether this is his intent or not. I need this. I gravitated to D/s dynamic because I felt this arena would help me learn to separate sex and emotional attachment. Or rather separate myself from the monogamous romantic ideals the templates I have instilled in me want me to follow. Also of course help me get back to my sexual self and discover more of myself through sex. Find all my dark parts and make friends. The movie Secretary- I relate so much to Lee Holloway. OY! Can there be a Secretary reenactment kink?! I don't want to heal my dark part; I need her to come out so I can get to know her. Could it be it's the end of my world? All the things that we cherish and love Nothing left but to face all this on my own Cause I am the chosen one "The Fallen Angel" Iron Maiden Rediscovering the abandoned parts and discovering my dark parts, parts I had hidden for whatever reason all of me coming together learning to be whole. Maybe why I would drown myself in monogamous romantic relationships I knew I wasn't whole and needed someone else in order to feel whole. If I am in a safe place to allow all of my parts out to become whole then I have no need to drown myself in another. I am nervous at my own intensity and excitement. Will I be too much? I've scared off others in the past with my sexual intensity. Why instinctively I knew I wanted someone who would work on me slowly; slow training but also want to know he wouldn't run from being too much. Fear is good to a certain extent, maybe I can switch that fear and associate it with my prey kink! Another reason him- primal. I trust myself enough, I decided to follow him for a reason. Trust the process, time to fully come out and explore. Start to become whole. You lead me on the path Keep showing me the way I feel a little lost A little strange today I think I'll take a hold Of whatever comes my way Then we'll see what happens Take it day by day "Different World" Iron Maiden Until the flip~ don't trip enjoy the ride
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |