A Change Is Gonna Come- Otis Redding….
Back to how I started writing, with music! This song makes my heart smile, I can cry, I just love it so much how it makes me feel happy. Also sad as I wish I could sing...well fuck it! I can sing so what if my cat’s ears flatten back along his head and my dog looked at me like I may need help! A change is gonna come...I can feel something brewing. My shedding. I’m standing nose to nose with my old beliefs and thoughts. Likely why I can’t get rid of this kidney stone or that more keep appearing. My stubbornness to hold onto my beliefs because of fear and the discomfort that goes along with doing something new; only a wet baby likes change. I have had an intuitive feeling he would be valuable to my growth. Sitting here now though, those were just superficial feelings, I sense that there is something more difficult to work through. Last year, I had started to research how to be my cub’s Domme because I knew I needed a D/s dynamic to compartmentalize my emotions and sexual energy. I was too much for myself. Gone at that time was my desire for a traditional romantic relationship. I want to explore connections and let them be just that or flow into something more expansive. Also gone was the cub. I have been on fet for almost a year and I still want the compartmentalization. With current Dom however, him not being the typical Dom, he doesn’t have a Dom rulebook he works from. This was part of my attraction towards him, however I need more structure sometimes. We’ve recently had a hiccup within our relationship. My mental and physical health has not been so great due to more kidney stones and with that comes lots of ruminating and emotional instability. I prefer structure, planning and organization; this is not something I really have with my Dom. What is there, however, is a defined space. A safe space to make mistakes, play and negotiate if need be. He was clear about this basically from the first day I decided to follow him. Playground parameters. Recently I was ready to walk away from the dynamic as was he. Clearly we could do without the other. I heard anger in his voice and I lowered my energy. I gently reminded him about our space and ability to negotiate. What I appreciate about this dynamic is this is not a traditional romantic relationship. I placed myself more into a submissive role connecting with my desire to work trying to find a solution with her Dom. After the 2 hour phone call, the dynamic remained intact with a reminder to each other this adventure we are on is explorative but also make sure paths we decide to venture down are working for both of us and no one is losing their footing. I struggle with good girl conditioning, feeling like I should be wanting more from him and also shaming myself for being just okay with sucking his dick weekly. Unintentionally he feeds into these beliefs just being himself and I don’t want him to monitor himself; I have to work on releasing these old beliefs. These were someone else’s thoughts and ideas. Thoughts that I’m being taken advantage of, being used, paying dues for another’s sins, not being seen, easily discarded, worthless, and forgettable. I could give examples for each but all that really shows is I can prove any narrative I want. So, I am nose to nose with releasing these old negative narratives which are I should be wanting him as a boyfriend or something is wrong with me that he doesn’t want ‘more’ of me and shameful thoughts and feelings for liking the compartmentalization of being a submissive and dick sucker. I am free and capable of replacing these with new ideas and beliefs of observing and enjoying the space. It’s good to be the tool, his tool. I am a really good tool to have around. I know I have helped him. He wrote how I helped him with healing space. He is fun, I enjoy his spirit and energy when we play and he has helped me with growth; we both benefit from this dynamic. I can wholly appreciate being his hole, his weiner cleaner! Fitting to end with….. “On Your Knees” W.A.S.P.
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |