Akin to the weekend all three of my attention objects were gone at the same time; I was left alone with myself! This time my only attention object is gone but I can’t even fuck with myself! No porn, no orgasms, nothing. The universe handed me a big time out during my recovery from kidney stone surgery.
I ended up back at urgent care for an emergency check up because of severe pain; they surmised I may have passed a blood clot. The pain and the drugs triggered depersonalization and derealization episodes. Frightening because it had been years since I had experienced these. Anyone that suffers mental illness and has experienced either one of these knows how terrifying these are. I’m usually thorough with follow through when I have a panic attack; I know where to go for self care tools. But when experiencing something so out of body like depersonalization I was lost and unsure what was happening; I felt life wasn’t real. While my daughter was talking to me I felt no connection to her, I was scared I was losing my mind. In fact because of so much stress my mind was trying to protect me hence this depersonalization episode; my mind needed space. Her father and I fought horribly the night before. I was heavily under the influence of pain medicine and I have very little recollection of exact conversations. The fight, the severity of my physical pain, and the stress of surgery, no wonder my mind felt a vacation was in order. While I still have a prescription for anxiety medicine, however even in my out of body state, instinctively I knew my body could not tolerate any more pharmaceuticals. I turned my phone on. I was going to leave it off for the weekend but something was calling me to read messages. A message from him. My Meta. I had received a pic yesterday from him and today his message was he had hoped the pic of his hat brought me a smile. Also he said when he returns home Godcock will need a lot of worship. There. In my confused out of body state, my mind quickly latched onto the word “Godcock” then further expanded to “will need a lot of worship”. During a depersonalization episode, I am very much out of body and my mind feels it’s in free fall, desperately and not desperate enough at finding anything remotely safe or familiar to latch onto until stabilization is recovered. I can see myself detached and I can feel fear that I’m losing my mind and going ‘crazy’ and yet nowhere inside of me is there a voice to help me navigate to safety; no voice of reason or logic . My ability to gain any semblance of control is solely relied upon through intuition and maybe chance. Godcock. Immediately my mind tunnelled to the word and memories of worship came flooding. This provided immense assistance. From the physical moment we met, well, more like during the second half of our first meeting in the back of his car when I dropped into my body, the space between his legs, his cock, became my place of solace. Backing up here to explain, during a panic attack, a great tool to use is the use of your senses to bring you back to body. I use a 5-4-3-2-1 technique: to see 5 things, touch 4 things, listen for 3 things, smell 2 things and taste 1 thing. This technique does the trick for me. However, during depersonalization/derealization reality is skewed and my senses are inactive because I am out of body and my mind is floating; therefore to my floating mind, there is nothing in my physical space to connect with so I can not ground myself. But when I saw his message in particular “Godcock'', I was able to connect with memories of worship. I connected with my memory of my senses. I was able to ‘see’ five things from memory. Our last play I am pulled to see the beer can I was holding, my black boots I slipped off, his kind eyes, the sexy red glow from his jeep dash light, and glorious Godcock when he used the light of his phone wanting to see my mouth. The four things I remember touching: the cool smoothness of the beer can I held for a few minutes, the contrast of how hard his cock was through the softness of his cotton underwear, and the feel of Godcock on my tongue. The three things I remember hearing: my music selection I chose for my Suc’session in particular Metallica’s “Orion”, I love that song, the sound of his chuckled breaths when he was close to the edge, and how loud he moaned when he came so violently in my mouth. The two items I remember smelling: his scent it’s so calming although I can’t physically remember it I would be able to pick him out of a smell line up, and the smell of the beer. The last item of remembering is the one of taste. After he had me on my back with my thighs splayed and pussy exposed to his light and gentle touches, it was then “back to work”; the instant I placed my mouth on him he had so much delicious precum, salty with a small amount of sweet. I was so eager to take him back in my mouth I forgot about my pussy all together. Look at that! My 5-4-3-2-1 technique! While I was ‘floating’ out of my body during a depersonalization panic attack episode, I was able to take my detached mind and attach it to something in order to bring me back to my body. In years past when I had these episodes all I could do was sit in a shower and cry from fear I would lose my mind, remember to take a pill; medicate and fall asleep. This time however, I was able to literally use my memory of his tool, Godcock; the memory of worship gave me the ability to reconnect back to my body. My mind that was in free fall was able to attach to distinct pleasurable moments and bring me back to body; cock worship. My attention object although not here physically has helped me while away, much appreciation to Godcock. Now to figure out why the Universe is having me to sit...
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |